Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
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I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Dance like you’re not the father
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]