I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
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A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.