My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
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I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!