You Might Also Like
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.