[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
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Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
❤️🦆
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.