Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
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If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
What if all the cashiers are married?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Jogging
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
This classic never gets old . . .
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.