If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
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My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Where is your GOD now????
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”