*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
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Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
this is uni
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
*checks Timeline*…
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
So we got a goldfish…