Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
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It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
sistine chapel
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩