*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
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I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
12. I think about this all the damn time
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh