My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
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Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay