I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
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I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.