If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
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A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Hot Hot Hot
When your parents check you’re ok.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
So creative 😂
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no