My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
me when the borders lift
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.