Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
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When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
This a good idea
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.