I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
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[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Great Canadian literature.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.