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charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.