Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
You Might Also Like
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian