I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
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I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.