in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
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Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions