*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
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Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb