Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Admin smashed it 😂
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.