[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
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Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Help Wanted
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance