my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
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I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor: