Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
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Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃