For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
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Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Life hack
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
đźš«No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes