It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
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JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.