BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
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I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”