It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
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ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!