You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
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whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I only look at Wordle for the articles
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.