My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
You Might Also Like
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
m’lady
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.