If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]