I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
You Might Also Like
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.