In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
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I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident