[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
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Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.