Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
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I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Bread puns are on the rise!
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?