If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
You Might Also Like
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
no regrets
i did the math
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.