i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
You Might Also Like
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws