My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
You Might Also Like
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Meow
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.