Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
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Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“no gods no masters” = leo
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry