My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
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Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.