Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him