My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
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her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”