Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
You Might Also Like
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline