Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
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*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*