If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless