Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
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The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.