Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
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*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.