*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
*serious situation*
My brain:
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Beauty and the Beast
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
TODAY
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.