A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
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2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”